Summer faire will soon be upon us, it is so odd for me, because for me... summer fair only ended a few days ago... a week at most! ... NOT A YEAR! Yet here we are again, planning events. Normally I look forward to summer faire, it is normally my favorite time of year... or was. Now it is tainted with sorrow, and will never be the same again. Trying to get into planning an event, as this year will be our 5th Paint War, but hard to find enthusiasm when I wish I didn't exists. But that would be the cowards way out of this pain.. but am I brave enough to see this through... I know what I would tell someone else in my place... Take one Turn at a time, take one marc at a time, don't think beyond that. I honestly had no idea how hard that truly is.

It's nice when something as simple as a baby mammoth wandering around makes your day. A little one wandered up to me today wanting a korunga it could not reach, looked to me and cried so I got out of the hammock I was lounging in and gave the baby what she wanted. She licked me after and made me laugh. It was wonderful.

All the rest and trying to figure things out will mean nothing if I can not learn to forgive myself, for becoming so lost in the first place. I know logically it was not done for fun, it was not done intentionally, I had NO choice in the matter. SO why do I feel so guilty? Why is it so hard to forgive myself and move on?

Got to see and talk to a sister of mine that I've not seen in a while. It was very nice to talk to someone, just when I thought I wouldn't have a woman I could really talk to and who would understand what I've been going through, she wakes up and understands completely what has happened to me, as she's been through it herself. And I found somewhere I could rest, and heal, it's sad I could not do that at home as I had hoped, but I guess sometimes you have to get away from everything to let yourself get a new perspective on life. I was able to sleep a dreamless sleep and get a bit of actual rest, perhaps the shadows under my eyes will begin to fade a bit now.

Time moves slowly as if in a haze
Yet I can't seem to wake from this daze
How I wish I could start life again
an never have this darkness begin
So lost I recognize not even my own face,
Yet still searching without haste,
For anything that will help make sense
and make me less tense
to find a way to live now with what I've lost
yet the pain of my actions may now always be the cost.
To live a life without what meant most
Almost makes me want to give up the ghost.
Yet stubborn I have always been
And so I begin life again,
But I don't know where to begin!

So alone I now feel,
without someone to talk to will I heal?

I can not help the things that happened to me, I wish someone could have helped me at the end when I finally woke, completely confused, and lost as I was, instead of leaving me alone. But alas I guess a girl can only truly count on herself. Perhaps everyone is right, it's time to move on with my life, instead of morning what I lost. No longer do I feel like the carefree, constantly happy girl that I once was, there is a hardness in my heart that I hope will one day fade.

I can't stand this... This knowing that everything is different, wrong... I feel like my life was stolen from me, I don't know by who... Or why... But it is so hard to try and move on when everything physically and emotionally is drained and hurts. I know healing takes time... But why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this, torment?

Woke feeling a little more rested then I have been, the nightmares still present but perhaps I am getting use to them, or as use to them as one can get anyway, surprised I haven't had to re-stuff Caspian yet. Life seems so lonely now, I know I have family, but since I, unintentionally, cut myself off from all my friends, and from my family it's hard to know who to talk to, or what to talk about. The only thing I still have confidence in now is my healing ability, and my conviction to help whenever I can. Sadly even my faith has been shaken lately, something I thought would never happen. But, not my faith in the gods, certainly never that... but my faith in myself. The questions of "Why did this happen?" "Who am I now?" "Will I ever be able to forgive myself for hurting and losing my best friend?" and others, constantly buzzing in my brain. When I first REALLY woke up, I hoped he would be able to help me, give me a strong arm to lean on while I regained myself again after being so lost for so long. But, seems my... not being there, hurt him far to much. Which, I understand, it hurt the REAL me too. I just hope one day, to find happiness again... and hopefully peaceful sleep!